50+ Lifestyles

Cultivating Emotional Intelligence in Your Child

By Lindsey Hornbaker
Community Education Program Manager
Child Abuse Council

“Educating the mind without educating the heart
is no education at all.” – Aristotle

When we talk about successful children and teens, we often speak of intellectual intelligence. We believe that children who have great study habits and actively participate in their schooling will eventually grow up to be successful adults and make great contribution to society. But is intellectual intelligence enough to make a child successful? Not necessarily, says the research. Over the last several decades, the importance of cultivating more than just “book smarts” in our children has become clearer – the kids who are most happy, healthy, and successful are often those with high emotional intelligence.

According to Yale University, emotional intelligence is foundational to success in both early learning and adult life. Children who are capable of recognizing, understanding, labeling, and expressing their feelings and empathizing with those around them are better able to focus, learn, build positive relationships, and handle conflict effectively (Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, ei.yale.edu.)

How can you help your child build emotional intelligence? Assist with identifying his or her feelings through active and reflective listening. When your toddler is throwing a fit over not getting what he wants, acknowledge what is happening calmly and with empathy: “I see that you are very frustrated right now and it’s hard for you to control your body. Do you need a safe place to cool down?” When your teen is upset with a teacher, repeat her thoughts and feelings back to her: “I hear you saying you were treated unfairly, and that makes you feel angry.” Giving a name to feelings and assuring their validity will not only help your child identify what he or she is really feeling, it will create an environment of understanding and safety.

Modeling appropriate communication and behavior when you are experiencing strong feelings yourself is imperative to building your child’s emotional IQ. Discuss your own feelings with your child as it is developmentally and situationally appropriate. You may say, “I feel happy when we get to make dinner together” or “I also feel sad when someone isn’t kind to me.” Let your child know that everyone experiences strong feelings, and teach your child healthy ways to cope. When you feel angry, take a five minute walk; when feeling sad, ask for support from your spouse or a friend. As your child sees you handle your emotions appropriately, she will learn to do so herself.

Encourage your child to communicate his feelings – both the ones that feel good and the ones that are uncomfortable. Discuss your child’s feelings with him, and discuss other people’s feelings as well! If your child is angry with a classmate, explore why your child feels the way he does as well as how the classmate may feel. As you practice communicating and exploring feelings, your child will become more empathetic and better able to express himself appropriately to others.

For more information on emotional literacy and intelligence, visit our Parent and Caregiver Resources page at www.childabuseqc.org.

For more information about the Child Abuse Council’s prevention, education and treatment programs, you can visit us at www.childabuseqc.org or call (309) 736-7170