50+ Lifestyles

Your Advocacy – We Solve Long Term Care Problems

By Nancy Phelps
GolderCare Solutions

Home for the holidays….what will we do?

Visiting our elderly/older adult parents/grandparents can add extra stress to an already stressful time of year. Learning to spend time with these once vibrant people can be challenging for many reasons, but we still want to see them and we love them!

We often internally struggle with making the visit. Francine Russo, in the July 22, 2013 issue of TIME magazine states, “The real problem, particularly in the U.S. and increasingly elsewhere, is that adult kids are caught between time, career, family and geographical demands that they can’t always resolve in favor of spending more time with grandma and grandpa.”

The purpose of this article is to help make the visits more pleasant for both the adult child and the elderly parents or grandparents. So, let’s pretend. Adult child lives anywhere from 100-1,000 miles away from their aging parents. Dad is VERY hard of hearing and Mom has mid-stage Alzheimer. What can you do to make this visit enjoyable for all involved?

First, let’s talk about Dad and his hearing loss. Try to have conversations with him one-on-one. No TV or radio turned on. Get out old photo albums and ask him questions about them. Ask what life was like when he was your age. The grandkids can ask him about the music he liked. Try to cook together. Eating out may seem easier, but it can be difficult because of the noise levels in restaurants. Ask about how he and mom met. What did they do for dates?

Next, let’s talk about Mom with mid-stage Alzheimer. This doesn’t necessarily mean she has no memory at all. There are lots of levels and types of dementia and memory problems.

Let’s list the don’ts first:

• Don’t argue or correct her (what good will it do?)
• Don’t plan a big day filled with lots of people and commotion.

Do’s:

• Do take her hand and hold it while talking to her.
• Do ask her questions about “the good old days.” Her long term memory is usually more intact than her short-term memory. She can remember their high school dance or first kiss, but no idea if she went anywhere the day before or the last time she had a bath.

There are many good books available that help people interact with their loved ones with dementia. A good one that I have found is The Best Friends Book of Alzheimer’s Activities by V. Bell, D. Troxel, T. Cox, and R. Hamon. Here is an
example from their book:

Pick a topic like “Take a Walk Outside.”

• Life story questions: Ask “did you ever see the decorated display windows at Petersen’s?” or “Did you ever build snowman?”
• Exercise: Take her for a walk. Don’t be afraid to take her even if the weather isn’t perfect. Just a few minutes are all that is needed.
• Music: Sing songs about being outdoors such as “Walking in a Winter Wonderland “or “Jingle Bells”.
• Sensory: Smell the air. Listen to the wind whistling through the trees. Feel the sun on your backs or your hand holding hers. Watch the clouds float by. Share a muffin together.
• Spirituality: Feeling connected to nature can be very spiritual.
• Conversation: Ask for opinions, “Mom, do you like to walk fast or slow?” or “Mom, do you prefer warm weather or cold weather?” Seek advice, “Mom, do you think this is a heavy enough coat for me to be wearing today?” Reminisce, “What were the holidays like when you and dad first got married?”

Will they remember you visited? Maybe, maybe not, but in the time you are there, they know you are there and that is all that matters.

Plan ahead. How do you want it to go? Plan to give lots of hugs and tell them “I love you.” Even if you weren’t “that” kind of family, you can become that family now.

The holidays and visits home are hard on everyone. We remember the holidays of years that don’t seem so long ago. Talk about these and make new memories for you to cherish long after the holidays pass.

Happy Holidays from the GolderCare Solutions TEAM!

Nancy Phelps is a Geriatric Care Manager/Care Advocate at GolderCare Solutions. She is a licensed independent social worker in Iowa & Illinois with 15 years’ experience in the mental health field. Working at GolderCare allows her to use her years of attaining resources to help others in crisis/need find the resources and help they can use. You can reach Nancy at GolderCare Solutions Unlimited, LLC 309-764-2273.