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Holidays and Jousting with the White Knight

By Gail Glockhoff-Long
GolderCare Solutions
Benefits Advocate

A reoccurring theme with our client families is the White Knight (WK) syndrome. The WK is often the family member who lives at the greatest physical distance from Mom, or whoever the family member is whose care you are managing. The WK is, therefore, not involved in rendering the day-to-day caregiving or care management of Mom.    

When the WK shows up on the scene for the holidays – either physically or remotely – and realizes Mom’s condition and need for care, they suddenly become vocal as to what they think needs to be done. They have a tendency to think they know best and begin looking at things with a critical eye. The WK might even criticize your efforts, start giving orders, or start ‘doing something’ just to be doing something – anything to assuage their need to help or control.   

They become the ‘White Knight’ riding in to rescue Mom from her aging plight and the inadequate solutions you are attempting. If only you would know better, you could do better and ‘solve’ Mom’s situation.

If only it were true. Not infrequently, they may have helpful insights or suggestions to offer. Too often, however, they offer too much heat and not enough light.

WK syndrome isn’t limited to siblings. Even only children have commented on interference from an aunt or uncle. The holidays tend to exacerbate this problem, because that’s when families get together and are forced to face the reality of Mom’s situation. And they especially inspire people to play the “good daughter/son” and check-in on how Mom is doing.

I have walked in your shoes with a WK family member from California.

Let’s look at how you, the care manager, might prepare yourself to joust with these typical WK behaviors.

Listen – Let their critical or officious attitude roll off your back, but keep an open mind and listen to their ideas, insights and suggestions. They might just have a good one, or you may be able to modify their idea into something useful. Maybe the little peddle thing that you use sitting in your chair is not practical but the goal of building strength is. Could you convert that idea into 10 sessions of PT private pay? PT tends to run about $40 so that would be a $400 investment. If that additional strength would allow Mom to be a one person assist instead of two – it is well worth the investment. If it would make no difference, probably more aggravation for Mom than benefit. As the saying goes, you don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Experience – Allow them to experience what you are living day to day.  Make sure you let Mom know ahead of time. When Mom was still in assisted living level of care, my niece was married in Cedar Rapids. WK sister came in for the wedding and said she was going to take care of Mom at the wedding.  We were using a wheelchair by that time outside of her apartment. WK had no experience with wheelchairs or how they interact with doorways or restrooms or transfers. The experience gave WK a much better understanding of what Mom was and was not able to do for herself and what was involved in just taking her out of her facility.

Dynamics – The failing health and final death of parents is the last chance for siblings to lash out at each other. Blended families only magnify the dynamics. Keep this in mind. You may need an independent party like GolderCare to help navigate through the landmines of family dynamics. Daughter has quit her job and moved in with Mom to be a full-time caregiver.  She has used the proceeds of the sale of her house to help support her and Mom in Mom’s house. WK does not agree with Mom giving the house to caregiver daughter.

Involve – Every family we have worked with at GolderCare has the lead person, either the spouse or an adult child. The other family members tend to fill supporting roles to one degree or another. Unfortunately, too many families have the in-town son who feels his job is so important that he does not have time during the entire month to visit with Dad for an hour, but it is OK for sister to devote 24X7 time to care. Or the out-of-town child who is not able to come visit on a regular basis.  Sometimes you have to be creative in finding a way for them to be more involved. Their assignment could be:

• Call mom every Sunday at 9 for a short chat.
• Fund the private pay PT for 10 sessions.
• Stay with Dad for a weekend so the primary care giver can have a break.
• Send flowers periodically.
• If Mom is living at home or with a family member, bring over a casserole/dinner.
• If WK is the Power-of-attorney, give them the list of all things needed to apply for Veterans or Medicaid benefits and have them make the calls and collect verifications.
• If Mom is just moving out of her home, have WK lead the cleaning out crew. Word of caution here – make sure you have already removed the things you know Mom will want kept or family heirlooms that WK may not recognize as important.

Caring for a loved one can be daunting enough, there is no need to add jousting with a White Knight to the mix. Handling the situation sagely can overcome the negativity and harvest the positivity.

Happy Holidays to all from GolderCare.

The GolderCare team are independent senior advocates that assist families with the issues of aging. GolderCare has offices in Moline and Bettendorf. You can reach GolderCare at (309) 764-2273 or learn more at www.goldercare.com.