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Care for the Caregiver

By Gail Glockhoff-Long
GolderCare Solutions
Benefits Advocate

Your plane is all loaded and the flight attendant does the announcements about the seat belt and storing carry-ons. Then you hear “If the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first before assisting those traveling with you.” Why? Because you cannot help your children if you have passed out. Save yourself first so you are able to save your loved one. This philosophy also holds true with caregivers. If you are caring for your husband and he falls on you and you break your shoulder, who is caring for him? Is he able to call an ambulance for you? If you are caring for your very demanding wife and have a heart attack from the stress, who is caring for her? These are only two of many scenarios we have had in our office. Another variation is the caregiver finally places their loved one in nursing or assisted living care and dies within a couple of days. We’ve seen that happen with our clients on too many occasions over the years, 3 times in the last 9 months alone. Now, who will oversee their loved one’s care?

In the final analysis, the first and most important job of a caregiver is to take care of the caregiver. Ironic? Yes. Selfish or self-centered? Absolutely not! It’s the only way you’ll both survive.

As a caregiver, it is essential that you look after your own physical and mental health. Caring for a loved one at home is physically and mentally exhausting. Even being a care manager, who is overseeing care but not providing the actual hands on care, can be very stressful. Saying there is no one else cannot be your final answer. It’s a luxury you simply can’t afford. Let’s look at some options.

I was the care manager for my sister while also working and other time commitments. My solution was another sister as my tag team partner. On occasion a brother also stepped in. I was the coordinator but shared duties with my siblings. I took a greater share when sister vacationed, but then I knew she would be back and cover when I was unavailable. This works if family is close and willing to help.

Ella was caring for her husband with Alzheimer’s at home. He needed constant supervision. Not only was the 24×7 on duty exhausting, she was neglecting her own health because she had no one to stay with him while she went to her doctor appointments. Her solution was adult day care two mornings a week. He was happy with the added variety. They also helped shower him during his time. Ella was able to grocery shop and run errands, take a walk, visit the doctor, and have coffee with a friend – all of which reduced her stress level.

Bob had been caring for his wife for several years. He could safely leave her for a couple of hours while he mowed the lawn or ran errands. One day he came home and found her walking down the street toward the highway. He realized she now needed constant supervision. He called an agency that provided an in-home caregiver a few hours a couple days a week. That was enough for her to be safe while he continued with the outside chores and errands.

April is the care manager for her husband and disabled child. She knows her stress level can get high. She has made care arrangements so she can get away periodically to visit her brother.

Jill is caring for her husband Jack. Once a week, Jack’s friends bring lunch and sit and visit with Jack. Sometimes they bring a secret guest along for variety. It brightens Jack’s day and Jill knows the old buddies will look after him.

We have seen too many caregivers neglect their own health until they end up in the hospital…or worse. As a caregiver or care manager, you need time to relax and recharge your batteries. Take time enjoying nature. Eat balanced meals. Take time for both exercise and sleep. Who is your support network? How can they help? Can your book club supply 1 meal a week that you do not have to prepare? Can the VA supply respite support a few hours a week? Is it time to look at placement in assisted living or memory care or nursing care? At GolderCare, we work with families for solutions to help lower their stress level. There is no magic answer that fits every family. Sometimes it takes an outside advocate to help you see your situation more clearly and offer solutions.

Gail is a Benefits Advocate with GolderCare Solutions, helping families navigate the complexities of aging, care, insurance, placement, and public benefits.