September 1, 2024
Just Saying…
Salmon Shorts, Affluence, and Opulent Wealth
By Q.C. Jones
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to interact with several 20-somethings. Along the way I made a startling discovery regarding the concept of wealth, or at least letting its presence be known.
After a hundred years and five generations, the American cultural scene has redefined the symbolic display of wealth. According to this group, salmon shorts have replaced the Monopoly Man’s tuxedo and top hat as a sure-fire way to show success.
On a personal note, my father, who had a knack for such things, used to recite a short poem from his youth. Research indicates it came from a long-deceased gentleman named Franklin Pierce Adams. It went like this:
The rich man has his motor-car,
his country and his town estate.
He smokes a fifty-cent cigar,
and jeers at Fate.
Yet though my lamp burns low and dim,
though I must slave for livelihood–
Think you that I would change with him?
You bet your life I would!
Apparently, salmon-colored shorts have even replaced “motor-cars” and the occasional fifty-cent cigar of my father’s poem. Before we move on, let’s linger on the cigar thing. A quick inflation calculator moment tells me these fifty-cent cigars would cost nine bucks today. Now back to our short salmon story already in progress.
For those of you still trying to picture the product, salmon, the color, looks like the red-headed lovechild of pink and persimmon. As a person who suffers from “shade blindness” within the color spectrum, there isn’t much difference between pink and salmon. Based on further commentary and clarification from this same group of young friends, “pink shorts for men are called salmon.”
Since I allowed my People Magazine subscription to expire back during the Carter Administration, I confess that your pal QC Jones has fallen behind on these crazes. For all I know, every A-list movie star has a publicity picture featuring said colored shorts. At the same time, I can honestly say, John Wayne didn’t own a pair of shorts in this color. Further, I can unequivocally state, Davy Crockett never owned shorts period, much less a set in salmon.
Researching into the phenomenon with the intent of determining if it is a home grown Quad-Cities thing or national deal, I uncovered more. Salmon shorts have grown so popular that there is a rock band named, you guessed it Salmon Shorts. One of the publicity pieces for the group, made a point clear. “Our name is Salmon Shorts, not Sam in Shorts.”
As Billy May, the late great TV Pitchman would say, “Wait there’s more!”
Facebook indicates there are dozens of Salmon Shorts related groups across the country. One of these groups in Lexington, Kentucky has over 3000 members, which makes me wonder if salmon is replacing the white linen suit popularized by America’s favorite Kentucky Colonel.
Not everyone is completely thrilled by this fashion statement. Senior Editor Dennis Green, of Business Insider, published an interesting article titled, “No man should ever wear salmon-colored shorts.”
Green goes on to call these shorts, improperly preppy, and “reminiscent of the east coast Nantucket Reds (of over 100 years ago).” He went on to suggest that men wear any color in the rainbow – except salmon.
The unbridled hatred of this short pant variety overflows the hallowed halls of cyberspace. Tumblr.com, a website designed to give average Joes a place to express opinions and share information via micro-blogs and social networking, has a location dedicated to salmon shaming. Pictures taken and submitted by members depict gentlemen wearing these shorts. Each photo is graded according to a well thought out scoring system. Members of the community further punctuate each picture with a plethora of unflattering comments.
To further the research for this article, I made field trips to festival-type events in Downtown Davenport and portions of Rock Island’s District in search of QC natives dressed in this rich display of earthly achievement.
While my study was probably not as scientific or statistically accurate as the US Census, I feel compelled to share the findings. Viewing several hundred men from all walks of life, I only spotted 14 salmon clad fellows. Each of them appeared to be quite “well-heeled” and for the most part in the demographic space of Millennial, and late-Gen X. Statically, this number would indicate a shortage of blatant wealth demonstration.
Taking all this into account, the Quad-Cities may be going through some economic downturn. Another factor may be our bent for a more understated display of wealth.
While discussing my theories, one of my friends shared another thought. They theorized that somehow the QCA was magically skipped over by this fad the same way snowstorms often skip in winter.
Finally, and with Christmas and other holidays just months away, allow me to make a recommendation. If you are planning to gift some friend or loved one with a fine pair of salmon shorts from the Holidays, each pocket should also contain an appropriate number of dead President pictures. A few Jacksons with a sprinkling of Grants will set the mood.
Just saying…. QC Jones
