50+ Lifestyles

Sex – Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting By Sarah Evans
Family Support Worker
Child Abuse Council

“A sex-positive child is safe, protected, and knows about consent and boundaries. They have  access to accurate and age-appropriate information about reproductive biology as well as the emotional and social realities of sexuality. A sex-positive child is not a sexualized child.” (www.thesexpositiveparent.com)

When I became a Family Support Worker, I was surprised by how little men and women knew about their own biology and about their reproductive rights. Through my work with first time mothers and fathers, I learned that many had never been  given ‘the sex talk.’ I also discovered that while they had learned about the mechanics of sex, no one had ever spoken to them about STIs or pregnancy. Then I stumbled on a concept called  sexpositive parenting. Admittedly, the initial language threw me off. But the more I learned about sex-positive parenting, the more I understood its importance, especially in our society today. Our children are growing up in a world that is rapidly changing before their eyes. So why are they still receiving outdated information that we KNOW doesn’t prevent teen pregnancy, STI transmission, sexual assault, and rape?

Sex-positive parenting is based on the idea that consent is the foundation of all sexual activity. There will be times when an  individual wishes to engage in sexual intimacy, and there will be times when an individual wishes to abstain. Sexual desires  occur in all humans, and sex positive parenting teaches children when it is acceptable to act on these urges and when it is not. By being a sex-positive parent, you are empowering your children to say yes or no.

There are many reasons why sex-positive parenting is important for our youth: perhaps the most important reason being that it allows us to protect our children. As  adults, we have the ability to recognize the difference between safe, consensual sex and violent, nonconsensual sex. This  knowledge enables us to teach our children the same. Parents want to protect their children and the best way to do that is by  educating them on their right to say no to unwanted touching or sexual activity. They are also taught that if someone does  touch them in an unwanted way, they have to tell an adult.

It is never too soon to talk with your children about consent. Some of the best advice from parents of teens is to have the sex talk early and often. We live in a sex-negative society which focuses on blaming victims and allowing predators to be excused for their behavior. It is our responsibility to tell our children that if someone does violate them, it is not their fault.

We teach children to say no, and that even if they are too afraid to say no, it is still not their fault. Sex-positive parenting  operates under the belief that children will grow into independent, sexually active adults when the time is right for them. This type of support begins early with age-appropriate explanations and continues throughout adolescence. Above all else, parents and care givers want their children to be safe and secure. Sex-positive parenting allows parents to educate their children about the physical and social realities of sex in a way that protects them rather than leaving them in the dark. It also allows families to develop their own norms and expectations around sexual activity and when it is right and appropriate for them-providing information and expectations that work for your family.

Communication is the key. Have conversations with your children. Allow them to ask questions. Be a parent that is accessible and willing to answer the tough questions. Don’t let outdated practices keep you from developing a new framework focused on sexual health and comprehensive knowledge. For more information on how to talk to your child about their healthy sexual development visit us at www.childabuseqc.org.